Have you ever had to let go of something you thought would work out in some magical way?

Maybe you thought you had to do something to prove to others you could, or you've been listening to everyone else's expert advice about how to succeed (because they have). You just kept going, trying, restructuring, and trying again—searching and searching...

Maybe you secretly just wanted to prove it to yourself. Prove that you are worthy and that somehow you are special.

Yeah... maybe you've been here, or maybe you haven't. But why tell you all this? I mean, is there a lesson here or some amazing advice you can take from this? Well... maybe.

The Endless Search

You see, I've been in this space for so many years. In this zone where my urge to support others has taken all kinds of shapes and turns.
In a place where, if "I'm not of service to others, then what's the point?"
In this "yeah I can do all the things" and feeling proud to be a master multitasker with at least five projects outside of my 9-to-5 job.
In the space of "whatever, nobody cares, and it's too hard to do it all, so I'll just do something else."

Constantly searching but constantly feeling the urge to leave it all.

And then trying it all again.

It's a tiring and sometimes very lonely place to be. Will it ever stop? Will I ever just be able to feel bored and be okay with that?
Then I wonder: Can I do more? And the answer is always yes.
There are a million things I could try: Be more visible, create more, put myself out there more, work smarter, just do it, do more, more, more.

The Dance of Defeat and Clarity

Being an ambivert/starter/multi-passionate/immigrant/highly-sensitive human with a passion for helping others is not easy.
So I take a moment and think about the little girl who had to leave it all and then become a chameleon.

Inside, I tear up and love her some more.

I listen to my intuition whenever it gets a quick chance to talk to me, and then I know. I feel it fully in my whole body.
A sense of calm wooshes over me, and it's there: Clarity.

But it only stays for a short while. And then Should comes to visit again.

I know I could—and, in certain instances, should—do something different or do more. But Tired is very much present.

Defeat and Clarity dance together often nowadays. Maybe that's good.
Could I stop the music and let them slow dance so they can merge into one?
So that Contentment can show itself?

Holding Out for Contentment

Ahhh...

I think I'll just let Defeat and Clarity dance apart but together for a little bit longer, just until they naturally find themselves in each other's arms.

I long to see Contentment's face once again.
It's been too long.
But I feel it sometimes.
Like a friendly ghost lurking around.

What About You?

Have you felt this dance between Defeat and Clarity? What does Contentment look like for you?

Let me know if you'd like to share—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

DM me on Instagram (at)gabriela_delo

Email me: gabriela(at)gabrieladelo.com

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